Instilling Our Spiritual Inheritance

Abbess Michaila of Saint Paisius Monastery

We cannot begin to speak about our youth without an understanding of our own fallenness, our own calling to love as a means of healing our primordial sin, and of the essential requirements for those bonded together in matrimony. With all of this in mind, we will turn our attention to our God-given responsibilities with our children, and the place wherein we daily nurture their souls, the home.

THE CHURCH IN THE HOME

The Church is our spiritual dwelling place during our earthly life, as well as being our future heavenly home. As a reflection of this, the Orthodox home has always been considered to be sacred, a living part of the Church. When the Eucharistic life of the Church penetrates into our family life in the home, our children will spiritually thrive and grow up with the Faith as their foundation, through experiencing God's love in the hearts of their parents. Of course, to accomplish this requires very great sacrifice.

MASTERING TIME

How are we to live this Orthodox way of life in these impossible times? Even the simple activities of daily prayer and Scripture reading seem unattainable for most people. The time set aside to be spent standing before our icons is very often forsaken for other things; and there is no peace, no time to devote to reading Scripture and the Lives of the Saints for the day. Honestly said, there is no time to get to know God, to seek for Him in prayer, or to learn where we stand with Him. There is no time because we haven't agreed with ourselves from the heart that we desire to set time aside for God. We say instead, “I would like to, but...” or “I’ll begin tomorrow.”

The labor of prayer is always difficult, in all times and for everyone. It is, in fact, the most difficult work, because we must face God and admit our lack of love for Him. Instead, we often choose to distract ourselves with almost anything else. In our modern times, and in particular over these past ten years, we seem to have crossed over some kind of border, leading us even further away from the age-old Orthodox way of life and into a kind of frenzied madness of activity, which only increases in speed and pressure with each passing day.

The distracted person, preoccupied with worldly concerns, hasn't a spare minute. With the first stirrings from sleep, the soul hurries out of itself and departs into a self-made world. The one who is filled with the cares of this world sinks quickly into a sea of ostensibly necessary affairs. We try to finish everything we do as soon as possible in order to go on to the next thing; and when we have finished that, we rush towards a third thing. In such a state, how can we possibly discern what lies concealed in the heart?

Perhaps it is technology, which has us dazzled and mesmerized, or perhaps it is the material abundance which keeps us working harder for more, and for the newest, the healthiest, and the latest. We have become so busy and distracted as a people that we have to schedule time to spend with our spouses and our children; they too are living amidst a whirl of activities from morning until night. And it is time itself which is of the essence when it comes to raising our children. It takes time and constant effort to protect their innocent souls from too much knowledge of evil too soon, and to give them a Christian foundation.

This extra effort is exceedingly important if they are going to non-Christian schools where they will not only be taught a godless world view, but also encouraged to question their parents’ authority, and to doubt God’s existence. The spirit of unbelief is very strong in our times, and once it overtakes a child’s heart, it is very difficult to restore it to a living, confident faith.

Fathers and mothers need time with their children, to discuss what is on their minds and hearts, and to know them deeply in their hearts as they grow up. Time is needed to wrestle with the important questions of life without checking our watches, and time to win their trust and their love so that when temptations come they will turn to us for help and prayer. If we sacrifice ourselves, which means giving our precious time to be with them, it is much more likely that they will want to remain close to their family, and to participate in the Eucharistic life of the Church, living ultimately under God's authority, having been accustomed to this under the authority of their parents.

CHRISTIAN EDUCATION

The raising of children unto the Lord has always been regarded by the Church as a sacred duty of parents. The child’s chief educators are the hearts of his mother and father. Saint John Chrysostom, who lived in times similar to ours, spoke to his flock about this sacred work of forming children’s souls. He writes:

“Having children is a matter of nature; but raising them and educating them in the virtues is a matter of mind and will. I am speaking of educating children’s hearts in virtue and piety—a sacred duty which cannot be transgressed... It is the very crude inattentiveness of parents that is responsible for all the disorder that causes our society to groan. Attentively watch the deeds of your children, their acquaintances and their attachments, and do not expect any mercy from God if you do not fulfill this duty.”

He goes on to address the reluctance of parents to use their God-given authority to bring their children up with discipline and attention: “How many parents there are who do not want to take upon themselves this labor of correcting their unsubmissive and unruly children! They are as if afraid to upset their children by reining them in with stern words. | beg you to take care for the good upbringing of your children. First of all, think of the salvation of their souls. God has placed you as heads and teachers over your families. It is your duty to watch, and to watch continually after the behavior of your children

“Was it not I," the Lord will say to us, "Who placed these children in your family? Was it not | Who entrusted them to your care, making you masters, guardians and judges over them? I gave you complete authority over them. I placed all care for their upbringing in your hands. You will tell Me that they did not want to bend their necks to the yoke; that they threw it off. But this should have been averted from the very beginning; you should have mastered their first impressions, placed the reins on them before they had the power to break away from them.”

God-Given Authority

It is indeed worthy of awe that the Lord would place something so precious as a human soul made in His image—a human soul which itself is worth more than all the world—into the inexperienced hands of new parents, and to give the parents complete authority over all that concerns the child. With this authority, the Lord gives parents the responsibility for the formation of the child’s soul. Children’s souls are something with which we are entrusted as a great blessing and treasure, something more precious than anything else with which we could occupy ourselves.

When we ignore God in our own lives, we cut ourselves off from the source of our authority, which stems from our recognition of God being in authority over us. If we live under authority—the husband and wife to God, as well as to each other in the ways we have spoken of earlier-—then our children will naturally be inclined to remain under our parental authority. When children see their mother willingly serve the family under the loving authority of their father, and see her showing respect for him, she is teaching them obedience and respect. They are also learning firsthand from her that obedience with love brings joy from God into the heart, because it pleases Him. When they see their father’s selfless love for their mother, and his care for the family, the children are secure in their parents’ love and authority, and are inclined toward obedience in their heart.

Confusion over authority is not new, as we see from the Pharisees’ angry questioning of the Savior: By what authority are you doing these things? (Matthew 21:23). In Western Christian culture, the authority of God’s law was for centuries reflected in legal and moral law. But the successful attempt of the last fifty years to cast down God's law, as well as any mention of His name in public life, has given preeminence to other false authorities—schools, the media, movie and rock stars, TV and fashion authorities—which have the intent to lead children astray from their parents and from God.

One example of a false authority is the state. The authority which used to rest in the family became the interest of the state, such as with California teenagers’ “right” to an abortion without their parents knowing. Furthermore, parental and moral authority are openly mocked, so that a child who respects his parents or wants to remain pure until marriage suffers scorn, derision and confusion. Worst of all, children are taught that they must decide for themselves what is right for them—under the guise of “values clarification” and “situational ethics.”

This is where it becomes perilous; for instance, when a youth reaches the age of puberty and faces everywhere the temptation to experience physical pleasures that “everyone else” is doing. This brings about a crisis of faith as well, when youth face the decision to leave the secure moorings of God's law, and see what they can get away with, Only a close and trusting relationship with father, mother, or a similarly older figure in the church is able to convince the child to preserve chastity for one’s future spouse, and prepare for a godly marriage and parenthood, thereby fulfilling God's law.

THE VALUE OF CHASTITY

No matter how behind the times it may seem, it is imperative that we hold high the value of preserving chastity before marriage. In the face of the pressures from the youth culture, we must find ways to arm our young people with reasons to preserve themselves. In preserving bodily virginity, something much more precious and needful for life is preserved—the many spiritual fruits and benefits which chaste couples possess in their souls, and which they bring to their marriage as a most beautiful dowry.

Saint Theophan reminds us: “The one who preserves chastity has a certain liveliness, a lightness, a spontaneous doing of good. The one who has not fallen lives in simplicity of heart, in a kind of assurance of salvation which blesses him and is not deceived. A person who has not fallen is always young. In the features of his moral character there are reflected, the feelings of a child which has not yet become guilty before his father, a kind of ignorance of evil. Then there is a joy, sincere kindness, and a feeling of safety in God. But the chief form of moral perfection which belongs to one who has preserved himself whole in the years of youth is a certain unshakeability in virtue for his whole life, for he has offered to God the most pleasing sacrifice, which was accomplished by means of overcoming quite a few obstacles, both within himself and outside, by renouncing pleasures for which, especially at this age, there is a great inclination.”

THE WAGES OF SIN

We can see, then, what the Church loses when our precious youth waste their gifts from God and enter into the darkness of a life of sin, It has truthfully been stated that there is a direct link between the fall from chastity and the fall of unbelief. As observed by the experienced confessor, Metropolitan Anthony (Khrapovitsky), “the moral falls of the young occur at exactly the same time as their loss of faith. For the unchaste, the whole idealism of life is lowered. Dreams of general good fortune, the desire of selfless service to others, struggling to serve, having interest in the future of mankind, being full of love and happiness—all these holy visions, which direct the youthful heart like a guiding light and preserve it from the baseness of life—all this idealism of youth wanes and is extinguished.”

On another sorrowful note, it has become fashionable for youth to participate in self-destructive and self-mutilating acts, such as cutting themselves, From here, everything quickly spirals downward.

Turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain which sin causes in the soul is increasing dramatically. In seven years the use of marijuana by teenagers has increased 300%. Over half of high school seniors say they have tried drugs, and—the most heartbreaking—this number includes one out of three thirteen to fourteen year olds.

The effect of drugs on the soul is most destructive, because drugs alter the consciousness so that the soul loses its God-given protection against demonic disturbance. Alcohol, too, has its grave repercussions because it greatly diminishes the soul’s natural modesty; the result is that half of all 16-year-old girls have lost their virginity. It is much worse in college, where parental watchfulness is completely absent: half of college students engage in binge drinking—drinking at least five alcoholic drinks at one sitting. Binge drinking precedes what is called “hooking up,” or having [sexual] relations with no intent to develop any relationship beyond the moment. This is devastating for the forty percent of college girls who “hook up.” Modesty is absent in co-ed dorms where men and women live on the same floor and share the undesignated bathrooms. Two-thirds of these college students have had a venereal disease at least once [as of 2005, when this article was written].

The statistics go on and on. It isn’t surprising then that 6 out of 10 children are born to single mothers; and, most telling, the National Marriage Project reported that in 1999 the marriage rate was at its lowest point in recorded history. Only our merciful Lord can heal the wounds caused by all of this—in souls, in families, in the Church, in our society. For our part, the greatest single thing we can do is to make the effort to establish our children before they take a fall.

PROTECTING OUR YOUTH

It is so important to protect children from exposure to evil for as long as possible, so that the soul can become established in good. We can see the degree to which we have departed from God in our society by the degree that the pure, innocent souls of children are no longer protected from the defiling knowledge of evil. In public, images of uncleanness are forced on children’s vulnerable and impressionable souls to defile them as young as possible—who can escape it?

Our very homes are where much of this evil can come in, through TV and the internet in our children’s bedrooms, Better to put our home's computers in open places, and take the TV out of their rooms. MTV is the main provider of the pornographic images of rebellion and degrading sensuality which are central to today’s youth culture. This is far from being overly protective. Even with efforts to guard our children, they will still be exposed to enough moral filth to last a lifetime. Likewise, it is not being overly protective to make sure that other homes in which your children spend time are free of these influences.

Through the youth culture, the enemy of our salvation wars against parental authority to protect our children. Behind the media are the companies who want the billions of dollars our children will spend. The media industry knows that the soul of a child is especially sensitive to what it sees. The soul, which was created to behold the face of God and the mysteries of God, imprints upon its inner heart all that passes through the eye. These images cannot be erased; that is why one glance at pornography lasts a lifetime. The goal of those promoting pornography is to instill a pornographic lifestyle into the culture, so that no one can escape. Some reports say that almost 70% of men are regular users of porn—these are fathers, brothers, sons and husbands.

There are many things we can do to protect our children and to educate ourselves about the youth culture, which is no longer a sub- culture but is now the mainstream youth culture. Take time to read the lyrics of the CDs of your children. The words are in the CD jackets; or, if they are not, subscribe to Plugged-In, offered by Focus on the Family, which reviews all CDs, and tells you what sexual, violent or profane parts are in them. Armed with this information, you can then discuss with your children inappropriate words and ideas. Reviews of Hollywood movies can be obtained through a service called Screen It. By using a program called Clear Play, you can screen profanity, nudity and violence from movies watched at home.

THE BATTLE

The unrelenting war that goes on in homes is waged one battle at a time—over low-cut jeans, tight tops, baggy pants, violent or profane CDs, TV programs, and the rest. When a young girl or boy begins to beg to wear these things, we should be aware that once the door has opened, the whole world of the youth culture is waiting for them. It means they have caught a glimpse of freedom from parental authority. Then the struggle for their souls begins in earnest. Sadly, only a tragedy or illness will usually turn youths from their life of rebellion once it has begun in earnest.

With God's help, our love and creative effort, we can create an alternative for our children. We can make our homes a place where they want to be with their friends. If they have a strong identity as Orthodox Christians, knowing their faith and the history of the Church; if from early childhood they learn to love and honor the saints as heroes; and if they love God in a deep and meaningful way, they will be able to stand in the midst of the strong delusion of the pleasure-seeking youth culture and witness, like young martyrs, to the desirability of the love of Christ and the reality of heaven. Indeed, the Church will fittingly crown the virgin couple being married with martyrs’ crowns to the chanting of the hymn to the holy martyrs.

At the monastery, we continually hear from parents who visit or have called, asking for prayers for their child who is “suddenly” showing signs of being in real trouble: expressing anger, depression, talking back, wearing strange or immodest clothes, wanting to get a body piercing, using obscenities, listening to bad music, using alcohol or drugs, or maybe even having begun cutting themselves or attempted suicide. This change seems to happen all of a sudden, but usually the child has been unobservedly falling away for some time and only “suddenly” made the decision to no longer hide the previously hidden, double life.

In many homes, even good homes, parents are not actively present in the home so as to cultivate time to be close to their children. As Orthodox parents, we only have a few short, but precious, years in which to lay a strong foundation before these choices are before their gaze. Studies show that children who attend family dinners are much less likely to drink, smoke or begin sexual activity. If the mother can find a way to be in the home for those early, tender years, it will help the child greatly. Some families truly cannot survive without a second income; but for many, the second income merely supports a standard of living for which our children are paying a great price.

Little by little, the home has gone from being a “home church” to being a “home base,” where the focus of life is outside the home in an unending round of shopping, activities, lessons, entertainment, and work, to make more and more money to support all of these activities and acquisitions. We are not speaking of families abandoning life in the world, or of becoming fanatics, but of making our homes spiritual strongholds to which we can retreat from the pressures, demands, and ungodliness which press upon us from every direction, and there to live lives dedicated to God, as families have for centuries.

Our children don’t need “all that money can buy”; they need us. And they need us—not just now and then—but to be readily available, immersed and involved in their lives, watching over them and knowing them intimately, discussing important questions with them, so that they will know why to say “no.” Our attention is a strong moral force in their lives and is one of the best means for securing their salvation within the faith. This passing on of the faith is the God-given responsibility of each generation.

PRAYER

God does not ask of us what we cannot fulfill. The Church can easily stand up to the deceitful culture of the prince of this world. Our task is not to try to change the culture, but to keep the harmful elements of the culture out of our hearts and homes. At the core, this is a spiritual battle, and our strongest weapon is prayer. All of the women of the Church are called to struggle and labor to uphold and preserve the purity of our children and to help give them a Christian foundation: mothers, grandmothers, godmothers, sisters, aunts.

The Akathist to the Mother of God honors the greatest spiritual warrior of all time, the Mother of God, our champion leader, defender of our souls, and protectress of the souls of our Orthodox children. Let us ponder on what the home of the Mother of God was like in Nazareth, and ask her to help us order our homes and to live righteously in them.

Elder Porphyrios of Greece gave the best advice | have ever found for myself as an unworthy mother of many souls: “If you have a child with a reactionary character, whatever you want to say to him, say to God first. Kneel before God, and through the grace of God your words will be conveyed to your child... Another child may listen to what you say, but though he hears he easily forgets. Therefore, you will kneel and ask for God's grace again, so that your motherly words will fall upon good soil and bear fruit.

“Don't pressure your children. Whatever you want to say to them, say it with your prayers. Children don’t listen with their ears. They'll only listen to what we want to tell them when divine grace appears and enlightens them. When you want to say something to your child, say it to the Panagia instead and she will do all the work. Your prayer will become a spiritual hug, which embraces your children and motivates them, But our prayers must be strong, alive. We always get results when we pray with faith and trust.”

Prayer and taking responsibility for that with which God has entrusted us (our families) go hand in hand. When we choose to love God with all our heart’s love, to cultivate our relationship with Him in prayer, which leads to greater knowledge of Him, then our soul begins to live in a way it never knew before, and grace begins to uphold our life and our works. The door to paradise within us begins to let in spiritual light by which we experience God more directly, and we grow in obedience and in love. The presence of grace within the temple of our hearts burns out the sin dwelling there, and we become reconciled with God. We begin to dwell in peace with others, and the love of Christ flows through our life in all of our relationships.

Let us take our self-love—our wanting to be first and the love of pleasing ourselves—to the cross, and ask our most precious Christ to give us new hearts, a new spirit, self-sacrificing love, and a desire for loving obedience, by which we may reconcile ourselves to Him, by means of our reconciling ourselves to each other. Let us willingly humble ourselves before those in authority over us, that we may possess the grace-filled moral authority to guide the lives of our children. May we find the willingness, and therefore the strength, to follow Christ’s commandments to love Him above all, and to love our neighbor as our self, that we may stand before Him at the end of our life without shame, filled with hope in His mercy, and seeking the fulfillment of our soul's greatest desire: to remain with the Lord in His Kingdom forevermore.

THEY BELONG TO GOD

Your children are a gift from God to you. They do not belong to you; you do not own them. They are not your gift to the world, nor are they here to be your best friends. Your job as parent is to nurture, teach and love them; the rest is up to God.

article source: Orthodox Christian Parenting, Zoe Press, Dunlap, California