The Role of the Mother in Raising Children

Saint Paisios the Athonite

Spiritual Counsels, Volume IV
Family Life
Part 2, Chapter 2 (pages 84-96)

A mother’s love

Geronda, you once told us that people grow and mature with love.

It isn’t enough to merely love another; we must love the other more than ourselves. A mother loves her children more than she loves herself. She will stay hungry to feed her children, yet she feels greater pleasure than they do. The children are fed materially, but she is fed spiritually. They experience the taste of food, while she experiences spiritual rejoicing.

A young girl, before she marries, may sleep until ten in the morning and have her breakfast prepared by her mother. She may be too lazy to do even the slightest chores. She wants everything at her beck and call. She has expectations from her mother, expectations from her father, while she sits at her ease. And although she is capable of loving, this ability is not developed because she’s constantly receiving help and blessings from her mother, her father, her siblings. However, from the moment she becomes a mother, she resembles a little engine that the harder it works, the more it is recharged, because love works constantly. Before, she hated to touch anything unclean, and she used aromatic soaps to wash herself. But after she becomes a mother, when you see how she cleans her soiled child, oh, you would think she’s touching marmalade; she’s not repulsed by anything. Before, if she was woken up early, she yelled because she was annoyed. Once she becomes a mother, when her child cries, she stays up all night without complaint. She rejoices in taking care of her child. Why? For she is no longer a child. She became a mother; sacrifice and love have come into her life.

Indeed, a mother comes to attain a greater love and sacrifice than the father, because the father is not given many opportunities to sacrifice himself for the children. A mother toils more with the children; she is tormented, but at the same time, she is recharged by them. She gives and gives and as a result; she also receives. A father doesn’t weary himself as much with the children, nor is he recharged; so his love is not equal to that of a mother’s.

How many mothers come crying to me, begging “Father, please pray for my child.” They have such agony! Few are the men who will come and tell me, “Father, please pray for my child who’s gone astray.” Just today a very anxious mother came here, fussing over her children — she had eight of them — putting them all in line to receive a blessing. Only with difficulty would a father have done that. Russia survived because of the mothers. A paternal embrace, when it lacks the Grace of God, is dry; but a maternal embrace, even without God in it, has milk. A child loves his father and respects him, but it is with the tender love of the mother that the love for his father grows.

The advantage of childlessness

A childless woman is tormented when she doesn’t spiritually cultivate this matter. Oh, what I had to go through once with a woman who did not have children! Her husband held an important position at his job. She owned apartments that she rented out; a large house in which they lived; a huge dowry and could not be bothered to go grocery shopping or to do the cooking — not that she knew how to cook, however. She would just call for delivery. She lacked for nothing and yet she was tormented because nothing ever pleased her. All day long she sat in her home, finding fault with one thing and then another; being bored of one thing, then another. Her mind was overwhelmed by racing thoughts, and she had to take pills in order to calm down. Her husband would bring work home to keep her company; and she would hover over his head just to pass the time. He had grown tired of her habits, but then again the poor man had to keep up with his work. When I met her I told her, “Don’t stay in the house all day becoming mouldy. Go to a hospital and visit some of the sick.” “Where should I go, Father? That seems difficult for me,” she excused herself. “Then you will do the following: You will read the First Hour at the appropriate time, the Third Hour at its time,(1) and so forth, and you will do prostrations.” But again she told me, “I cannot do this, Father.” “Well, then perhaps you can read the Lives of the Saints.” | advised her to read the lives of female saints, thinking that she might derive some help from them. I had my work cut out for me — getting her into a routine, so that she would not end up in an insane asylum. She had become entirely useless. A strong machine, whose oils were frozen.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is that a woman’s heart becomes idle when the love she has inside of her doesn’t have anywhere to go. And then you see another woman with five, six, or eight children who is so poor and yet so glad. She is upstanding and courageous. Why? Because she has found her purpose in life. I was impressed by another situation: A friend of mine had two sisters. The one got married young and had many children. She was always sacrificing. She sewed and helped the poor with good works. She recently came and said to me, “I have grandchildren now!” and her heart was leaping with joy. The other sister didn’t marry, didn’t even take advantage of her care-free life spiritually, and had become ... well, don’t ask! A useless thing. She couldn’t be bothered to live her life; expected her aged mother to serve her, and still complained. Do you see what happens? The change did not come about in her because she didn’t become a mother; nor did she take advantage of the love that exists naturally in women by helping others in need.

This is why I say that a woman must possess the spirit of sacrifice. You see, if a man doesn’t cultivate the virtue of love, he doesn’t suffer great damage. If a woman fails to convey the love she naturally has, then she is like a machine that works — but one without the material to work (properly), so that it jolts about, jolting everyone else about.

A mother’s endurance

Geronda, in one of his letters to the nuns, Saint Nectarios writes that they mustn’t forget they are women and that they should strive to imitate the female saints and not the male saints. (2) Why does he say this? Is it because women do not have much endurance?

Who doesn’t have endurance? Women? I have come to fear them! No, women have great endurance. Physically a woman may not be as strong as a man, but with the heart she has — if she puts it to proper use — she can outdo the strength of most men. Sure, a man has great physical strength, but he doesn’t have the heart of a woman. I noticed a cat that came to the Kalyvi with its kittens. It was very skinny, its belly completely flat. One day a big hunting dog came, and Kourdis, the male cat, ran away. But the mother cat got up, arched her back, and became fierce; she was ready to pounce on the dog. I wondered at where it had found such courage! You see, it had its kittens to defend.

A mother feels pain; she gets tired; but she feels neither the pain nor the tiredness. She pushes herself to do everything, but because she loves her children and she loves her home, she does everything with joy. Someone who is constantly resting gets more tired than she does. I remember, when we were young, my mother had to carry water from the well that was very far away from our home. She had to cook, bake, wash the clothes and even go to the fields. In other words, she did all the chores, and even had us children driving her crazy, and on top of that, she had to be the fair judge whenever we fought. But she used to say, “This is my duty; I’m required to do all these things without complaining.” She said this in the good sense. She truly loved her house; she loved her children, and she did not tire with the chores; she did everything with her heart, with joy.

And as the years go by, a mother will love her home all the more. Even though she grows older, she sacrifices herself all the more, even to raise her grandchildren. And because she does this with her heart — although her strength has diminished — she seems to have more endurance than her husband, and even more endurance than she had in her youth.

And in times of illness, Geronda, women have greater composure than men.

Do you know what happens? A mother has faced her children’s illnesses many times, so she’s quite experienced. She remembers how many times a child’s temperature rose and how it fell in time. She’s dealt with all kinds of situations — her child choking, or fainting — she knows that with a slap or two that the child will come around. The father, on the other hand, doesn’t see these kinds of situations often, and doesn’t have such experience. This is why, should he see his child at some point with a fever or a little pale, he panics: “We are losing the child! What are we to do? Run, call the doctor!”

Pregnancy and breast-feeding

The nurturing of a child begins with pregnancy. If a pregnant mother is agitated and worried, the embryo she’s carrying in her womb is agitated. If the mother prays and lives a spiritual life, the child in her womb is sanctified. This is the reason why a pregnant woman should say the Jesus Prayer, study the Gospel, chant hymns and not be anxious, while others should also be careful not to upset her. Then, the child that will be born will be blessed, and the parents will have no problems, neither when the child is young, nor when the child is older.

After the birth, a mother should breast-feed her child for as long as she can. A mother’s milk provides a healthy base for the children. Children who breast-feed aren’t only receiving milk, they are receiving love, tenderness, consolation, security — all of which contribute to developing a strong character. Breast-feeding is also beneficial for the mother. A mother who doesn’t breastfeed her baby may develop anomalies that can lead to mastectomy.

In the past, some mothers would even breast-feed the baby of another woman who didn’t have milk. Nowadays many mothers can’t be bothered to breast-feed their own children. The mother that is lazy and doesn’t breast-feed her child transmits laziness to her child as well. In the past, condensed milk cans featured a picture of a mother holding a baby in her arms. Now they show a mother holding a bouquet of flowers. Mothers no longer breastfeed their babies, therefore the children grow up without consolation. Who will give them tenderness and love? A can of evaporated cow’s milk? Their heart is chilled as they’re fed from a “chilled” bottle. Later, when they grow up, they look for consolation in a bottle, in bars. They drink to forget their anxiety and become alcoholics. If children don’t receive tenderness, they won’t have any to pass on to their children — it becomes a cycle. Then the mothers come to me and cry, “Father, pray! I am losing my child!”

The working mother

Geronda, is it correct for a mother to work?

What does her husband say about this?

Whatever she’s comfortable with.

A young woman who has gone to college and started her career before her marriage does not easily give up her career when she becomes a mother in order to devote herself to her children. However, another young woman who has not gone to college and holds a simple job will find it easier to leave her job.

If she doesn’t have any children, Geronda, I think that having a job will be helpful to her.

Are you saying that if she doesn’t have any children, she has to have a career? There are so many other things that she can do. Of course, if she does have children, it would be best if she stayed at home. Otherwise, how can the children be helped?

Geronda, many women say that they can’t make ends meet and that’s why they have to work.

Well, they can’t make ends meet because they want to have a television, a video player, their own car, household help, and so on. In that case, of course they have to work, but then they neglect their children and eventually lose them. If the father is the only one working and they are content with having less, then there will be no problem. But with both parents working, in order to supposedly make ends meet, the family is scattered and loses its true meaning. What can the children do? If families lived a little simpler, they would be less tired, and the children would be happier. There was a man who knew seven languages, and his wife was struggling to learn four. She even taught language lessons, although she had to take pills, just in order to keep up. Their children were born healthy, but grew up damaged. And then they had to see psychologists... This is why I tell mothers to simplify their lives in order to spend more time caring for their children who need them. They can also have some other activity to do at home when they get a little tired with the children. When the mother is at home, she can closely watch after her children, regulate family life and avoid many problems and worries.

Nowadays children can’t get enough maternal love. They don’t even learn their maternal tongue because the mother is absent all day at work, and leaves her children with foreign women. Children left at nurseries, where at least there’s a dedicated nurse who will show them some loving care, are a thousand times better off than children who have been abandoned by their parents who have paid some woman to look after them. You know what they say... Whoever didn’t have a mother, had many nannies!

The household and the spiritual life of the mother

Geronda, how can a housewife regulate her housework so she can have time for prayer? In other words, what ratio should there be between house chores and prayer?

Women usually have no sense of moderation when it comes to household chores. They’re constantly finding things to do. While they do have a lot of heart and could do much “housecleaning” in their soul, they often waste their heart on insignificant things. Let’s say we have a delicate glass with very intricate designs. Now, if this glass didn’t have all these designs on it, it would still serve its purpose as a glass. But no, women go to the store and start: “No, I want the designs up higher, to this point; no, not this way, the other way...” And if there should be some floral details on it, well then the heart really starts leaping! But by doing this, women lay waste to all their energy and potential. You’ll hardly find a man paying so much attention to such details. For example, a man will hardly notice if a lamp shade is brown or black. But a woman wants something beautiful and she rejoices in it; she gives a part of her heart to this, a part to that, and then what is left for Christ? Only a tired yawn is spared for the time of prayer. The more a woman distances her heart from material things, the closer she comes to Christ. And when her heart is given to Christ, then she acquires great strength. Just the other day I saw a soul who had dedicated herself entirely to God. You could almost see a sweet light burning within her. She deals with everything in a gentle and warm way. She used to be very worldly, but she had a good disposition and at some point the spark was kindled within her. Gold, fine clothing — she threw it all away. Now she lives very simply. She struggles to live a spiritual life. Her spirit of sacrifice is remarkable. She has become envious of the saints — in the good sense. What attentive effort to the Jesus Prayer, what fasting, what reading of the Psalms! It is amazing! She is now nurtured by her ascetic efforts.

Geronda, a mother told me, “My body is very weak and I get very tired; I don’t even have time to finish my chores, let alone say my prayers properly.”

She has to simplify her life so that she can have time to pray. A mother can make great progress through simplicity. If a mother has simplified her life but still gets tired because she has many children, then, yes, she is entitled to say, “I am tired.” But if she wearies herself trying to make the house look good for the guests, well then, what can we say? Some mothers, in order to keep the house tidy, asphyxiate the children, confining them to one part of the house and don’t allow them to move a single chair or pillow. They impose a military type of discipline and, while the children are born fine, they grow up damaged. A wise and discriminating person, seeing an immaculate home with many children, will come to the conclusion that either the children are damaged, or the mother is barbarian and imposes military discipline. There is fear in these children’s hearts — and for this reason, they are obedient. Once I had gone to visit the home of a large family. I was so pleased to see the children with their childish naughtiness spoiling the worldly order of things — which requires having everything in its place. That is the greater disorder which wearies contemporary man.

In the past, there weren’t that many spiritual books available for a mother to read and be helped. Today, even though there are many Patristic texts and a lot of translated works available, unfortunately most mothers are either preoccupied with foolish things or they work in order to make ends meet.

It’s better for a mother to be involved with the nurturing of her children, rather than being overly involved with household chores and inanimate objects. A mother can speak to her children about Christ; she can read the Lives of the Saints to them. Thus, at the same time she will be occupying herself dusting off her own soul so that it will be spiritually shiny. The mother’s spiritual life will then quietly help the souls of her children. Thus, her children will live happily, and she will be joyful because she will have Christ within her. If a mother doesn’t find the time to even say a simple Trisagion,(3) how can she expect her children to be sanctified?

But Geronda, what if a mother has a lot of children and a lot of work to do?

When she does her housework, can’t she pray at the same time? It was my mother who taught me to say the Jesus Prayer. When we were children and had done some mischief, and my mother was about to get angry with us, I remember her saying, “Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.” When she put the bread in the oven, she would say, “In the name of Christ and Panaghia.” And whenever she was kneading or cooking, again, she constantly said the Jesus Prayer. In this manner, she herself was blessed, as were the bread and the food she was preparing, and so were those who partook of it later.

There are so many mothers who led a holy life and had holy children! For example, the mother of Elder Hadji-Georgis. Even the milk of this blessed mother who nursed Gabriel (This was the worldly name of Elder Hadji-Georgis.) was ascetic! She had two children and afterwards, lived with her husband in purity, loving one another as siblings. She had an ascetic spirit from early on, as she was inspired by her sister who was an ascetic nun. She would go and visit her sister and later would take her children with her. Gabriel’s father was also a pious man who worked as a merchant, which required him to spend most of his time away, on trips for his business. This gave his mother the opportunity to live simply, not to be “anxious and troubled about many things,”(4) and to take Gabriel with her when she went with other women for vigils in the caves or country chapels. This is the reason why she later achieved such holiness. (5)

The mother’s devotion has great significance. If the mother has humility and fear of God, then family life is smooth. I know young mothers whose faces shine, even though they have no one to help them. I can understand a mother’s spiritual state by looking at the children.

1. The Prayer Service of the Hours is conducted to sanctify the times into which the day had been divided during the Roman times. The First Hour was at 6:00 a.m., the Third Hour was at 9:00 a.m., the Sixth Hour was at noon, and the Ninth Hour was at 3:00 p.m.

2. Saint Nectarios, Bishop of Pentapolis, Thirty-five Pastoral Letters, Letter 26, ed. Hypakoe, Athens 1993, p.123.

3. Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal One, have mercy upon us.

4. Cf. Lk 10: 41.

5. See Elder Paisios of Mount Athos, Elder Hadji-Georgis the Athonite (1809-1886), Holy Monastery “Evangelist John the Theologian”, Souroti, Thessaloniki.